The Chipmunk Revenge
by Wiznerd the Eagle
Summary: Sirius had made Remus very angry, and Remus is going to make sure that his friend never forgets his revenge. Set in their 5th year. Oneshot. This is a bit of a follow-up for my other story, but it can easily be read on its own.


**AN: Hello all! I was frankly _astounded_ at the popularity of my other fic. I mean, over 440 views and 14 favourites; all in a few months! Thank you to everyone who read it. Anyway, this story is a kinda/sorta follow-up to my other story. Sirius and Remus mention a chipmunk that Sirius is terrified of in it, and _puffskein overlord of darkness_ asked for a back-story. Well, one bolt of inspiration at midnight a few days ago, and here it is! If you like this, you would probably like my other one, but both can be read as stand-alone stories.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Last I heard, it belonged to a woman by the name of J K Rowling. Perhaps you've heard of her?**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Sirius Black was screwed.

He knew he shouldn't have stolen Remus's chocolate stash, but it had been _right there_ and _no one_ had been around to see! It had been perfect.

_Godric_, did he regret it now.

In the two weeks since the disappearance of the chocolates, the other fifth year had been giving him the death glare to end all death glares whenever he was in eyeshot of Sirius. He didn't know how the werewolf knew it had been him, but he was terrified and growing more paranoid by the day.

He had taken to always casting a detection charm on his food before eating it. Now, this wouldn't have been too bad if he didn't do it before each and every mouthful. He was constantly looking over his shoulder, he cast _Finite Incantantem_ on every body part and article of clothing every ten minutes, and he jumped at any sudden movement or sound.

The entire situation was a source of endless hilarity for James, who burst out laughing any time his friend displayed one of his new nervous habits. Prongs didn't know what had happened, but he knew that Remus was furious at Padfoot for something and both friends knew that forgiveness wouldn't be given until the Grim animagus suffered an extremely embarrassing retribution. James almost bust a gut every time he thought of it, but Sirius had started considering full-on groveling at Moony's feet to save him from his impending doom.

* * *

The day that started began like any other day for Sirius, with only one major difference.

There was a chipmunk on his chest.

An actual, bloody, _chipmunk_.

As soon as his blurry eyes focused on it, it chittered at him before scampering off of him past the curtains of his four-poster. He blinked in surprise, before shrugging it off as some remnant of a dream and got ready for the day.

* * *

The second time he saw the chipmunk, it was sitting beside his plate in the Great Hall.

He froze a few meters away from the table, staring at it. The rodent hopped onto his plate and tilted its head, staring at him. he blinked and it disappeared.

He was broken out of his shock when James spoke up.

"Oi, you gonna stare at your empty plate all morning or are you gonna join us for some grub?"

Sirius looked quickly at James, but saw no evidence that he was having him on. He honestly hadn't seen the chipmunk.

As he contemplated this, he missed Remus slipping his wand back up his sleeve and hiding his smirk behind his book.

* * *

He didn't see the chipmunk for the rest of the day, so he wrote it off as a conjuration of his sleep-addled mind once again. However, when he opened his trunk to get his pajamas, the aforementioned rodent jumped out and scampered out the open door.

As he was staring after it, Peter walked in with a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth and toothpaste bubbles around his mouth, trying to speak, but saying something along the lines of, "Coub I ballow yor Tansfigrathun tethboo? I dunno hwere mine ith."

After deciphering what he had said, Sirius replied absentmindedly, "If you can find it, sure. It's somewhere on the floor in here."

This wasn't particularly helpful, given that it was a room shared by four teenage boys, but that was all Peter was going to get for the moment, as his friend was a bit distracted by his furry visitor. Said friend was considering why Peter hadn't mentioned the chipmunk, but couldn't think of anything. His contemplation was interrupted by his rat animagus friend.

"Oh, and could you help me get Remus to do my Potions essay? It's due tomorrow."

Sirius _really_ did not want to know where Peter had spit out his toothpaste. He figured it was one of those things he was better off not knowing. Deciding that he would deal with his rodent problem later, he got up to deal with his other rodent problem.

* * *

Over the next couple of days, that Merlin-damned chipmunk began showing up more and more, and every time it did his distinct dislike of the furry creature grew.

It knocked over his inkpots onto his essays, hid his quills, woke him up at ungodly hours of the night, ate his food, and generally made a nuisance of itself. To make matters worse, he seemed to be the only one who could see it.

He came to this conclusion when it decided yesterday that his head was the most comfortable spot in the world, so it rode around there.

All. Freaking. Day.

The worst part was when he was walking and it dug its little claws in to keep its balance. He had been asked three separate times why he was wincing every few steps. When he had gotten fed up with it up there, he had tried to grab it, but the evil thing had _bitten_ him! It actually _bit_ him!

He was certain that it would get along very well with Snivellous, should they ever meet. For this reason, he had dubbed it Greaseball. The first time he had referred to the little demon by its name out loud, it had promptly torn up his Gryffindor flag in revenge, so he only used its name in his head now.

In all honesty, he was avoiding opening the biggest can of worms of all. The concept that there was a chipmunk following him around that only he could apparently see. It was extremely disconcerting. Sure, the Marauders had been joking about his sanity for years now, but they had never really meant anything by it. It was a scary thought that he might actually be off the deep end. Wait, did crazy people wonder if they were crazy? If they didn't, did that mean he wasn't crazy? But what else explained Greasball?

He went to bed with a headache that night, only to be awoken at three in the morning by a cold rodent nose in his ear.

* * *

After a month of torture, Sirius was in a bad place.

Not only had Remus not yet extracted his surely mortifying and mentally scarring revenge yet, but that _chipmunk_ had only gotten worse.

He was twitchy and sleep deprived because of both these things. James had actually compared him to a girl on her monthly. Padfoot had punched him for it, before Prongs said, "See? I told you so," and ran out of the room to avoid another punch.

Everyone was looking at him weirdly these days. The previously confident Sirius Black had been reduced to a walking ball of stress and paranoia. The rumor mill was working overtime trying to figure out what had happened. The most popular theory was that he had insulted one of his exes and they had promised painful retribution.

They were right in a roundabout sort of way.

No one but Sirius knew that, however, and he was definitely not going to tell them.

* * *

Eventually, the Grim animagus decided that he would have to deal with at least one of the things freaking him out so that he could have some semblance of a normal social life. So, with Greaseball clinging to his back as he had taken to doing, Sirius marched over to where Remus was sitting with the other two Marauders.

He sat down, feeling the chipmunk scamper up his back to nest on his head, and addressed his chocolate loving friend.

"Moony?"

"Hmm?"

"There really is no good way to say this, but I am very, very sorry for stealing your chocolate. I promise that I will replace all of it, plus extra, so _please_ don't do something terrible to me? I really am very sorry and I've been freaking out since I did it, so I am begging you; please just either let me make it up to you and forgive me or take your revenge now because I am absolutely terrified of what you are going to come up with and I am dealing with enough right now trying to figure out what is going on with this chipmunk-"

"Wait, chipmunk?"

Remus was extremely amused. When his friend had started talking, he had been fairly polite, but he had gotten more and more desperate as he kept talking and had ended up begging with a pleading expression on his face and his hands clasped in front of him. The brains behind the Marauders had known that his revenge would work well, but he hadn't anticipated just how well. This was even better than he thought it would be! He was especially enjoying the horrified expression on Padfoot's face as he realized what he had said.

"Heh heh, did I say chipmunk? I didn't say chipmunk. What are you talking about Moony?" Sirius nervously tried to backpedal, but the damage had been done.

"No," James jumper in, "I definitely heard you say chipmunk. Now, care to explain that to us?"

"Well... I..."

Sirius was trying to find a good way out of this mess, but the only thing he could think of was the truth, and that was very far from being a good option. To hell with it. He jumped right in, speaking quickly as if that would stop them from hearing him.

"Well, there's this chipmunk that's been following me around for the last month and generally being the most irritating thing on the planet Earth. No one but me can see it and I think I'm crazy and now you probably think I'm crazy and now you're going to ship me off to St. Mungo's. Please don't do that, oh Merlin, promise me you won't do that!"

There was silence as his friends contemplated what they had just heard. Remus was the first to speak.

"Siri, you do know that chipmunks are native to North America, right? Well, there is that one species that lives in Asia, but we aren't there either, so that doesn't matter. The chances of there being a wild chipmunk anywhere in the United Kingdom are less than zero."

Remus might know exactly what was going on, but that didn't mean that he wouldn't drag this out as long as he possibly could.

"I know that, but it's a chipmunk. I swear, and it does exist! Please believe me!"

"Hypothetically, say I do believe you. Where is the chipmunk right now?"

"It's sitting on my head," Sirius said in a deadpan tone.

He watched as Remus immediately looked on his head and, not seeing anything there, got up out of his chair and waved his hand through the air above his friend's head. It passed right through like there was nothing there.

The werewolf sat back down and raised one eyebrow, looking skeptically at Sirius.

James and Peter had apparently dubbed Remus their spokesperson on this matter, and were watching the proceedings with interest.

Sirius was panicking, and started babbling meaninglessly in an attempt to make his friends believe him.

"It does exist, I swear! When I said that no one else can see it, I should have mentioned that no one else can touch it either. It has to be real! It bit me! Please, please, please believe me!"

His begging continued for a few minutes. A few minutes where Remus didn't move a single muscle.

It was one of his favourite ways of freaking people out. It seemed that people found someone staring at them continuously without moving extremely disconcerting.

When his friend was reduced to practically sobbing on the table, he let him off the hook. He stopped repressing some of his laughter, causing his shoulders to shake as he laughed silently. Slowly he started to shake harder, until his laughter became audible and had to bite his fist to stop his cackles of glee.

Eventually Sirius noticed what was going on, and he straightened up, narrowing his eyes at his friend.

When Remus managed to get himself under control, he answered the confused Black's unspoken question, "On the bright side, you don't have to worry about me taking revenge for my chocolate, because I already have. That chipmunk was one of my best pieces of spellwork ever! However, I do intend to take you up on that promise of replenishing my chocolate stash. On the next Hogsmeade weekend, I expect you to take me to Honeydukes and pay for everything I want. No exceptions."

Sirius seemed completely dumbfounded.

"Wait, what? No! I was going to do that to keep you from taking revenge on me. if you already have, then I am not going to do that."

"Ah, you are forgetting one thing," Remus said with a massive grin on his face, "I am the only one who knows how to make that chipmunk go away, and I will only do it if you do what I want you to. Plus, keep in mind that I can make it come back any time I want to, because I'm not going to tell you how I did it."

Padfoot groaned and dropped his head into his folded arms, aggravating the chipmunk that scrambled onto the back of his head to stay on, and dug its claws in a little harder than usual in retribution.

"Fine. It's not like I have a choice."

"Also,"

His head snapped up.

"I reserve the right to use this as blackmail whenever I want to."

"Oh, Merlin, no! Can't we just forget about this and leave it behind us quietly?"

"Nope," James spoke up from where he and Wormtail had been watching the show, "this is going to be my happy place for a long time, and I'm not about to forget it."

Sirius looked towards Peter.

"I agree with what James said," was the only response he got.

He noticed Remus wave his wand and mutter a word under his breath from the corner of his eye, and he felt the weight of Greaseball disappear.

Well, at least he wasn't stressed about that anymore.

* * *

Remus did force his friend into Honeydukes on the next Hogsmeade weekend, and Sirius left with his pockets considerably lighter than when he entered. However, his hands were heavier because the werewolf had forcing him to carry all the chocolate that he bought.

Remus was very happy that day, and wouldn't stop smirking at his friend and making quiet chipmunk noises at him, earning himself a death glare that didn't faze him in the slightest.

* * *

As life went on, Sirius became sure of one thing.

Remus was definitely making good on his promise to hold the chipmunk incident over his head for the rest of his life.

* * *

**AN2: I hope you liked it! A cookie for anyone who caught the Starkid Potter reference. (Hint: I say Starkid Potter because it's a recurring joke throughout all three musicals.) **

**Please review. Feedback is always appreciated.**

**Wiznerd**


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